Dong Dynasty: A Tale of Fantasy, Love, Adventure and Dongers
by JerPandaBear
Summary: A story set in the medieval era about a baer going through life in a strange new land. Characters include personnel from the NLSS and JSmith's streams. And other stuff.


Dong Dynasty: A Tale of Fantasy, Love, Adventure and Dongers

_ In 1069 on June 9th the Queen of Ireland, Queen Lillian the 2nd passed away from a serious case of tuberculosis (and multiple STD's) leaving the throne to her 6 sons, Augustine, Patrick, Harrison, Dexter, James, and Ryan. Augustine, the oldest of the group, claimed the Southern lands as his own and created the Duchies of Munster and Leinster. Patrick, the second son of Queen Lillian, used his military prowess to unite the Western lands and create the Duchy of Connacht. Harrison and Dexter, commonly known from their youth as the "Twins sent by Satan", used plots and diplomatic power to take the Eastern and Northern lands for themselves with the exception of a small county in the Northern lands. James became a cleric and travelled to Rome where he became one of the most influential Cardinals in the Church. Ryan, known as the Bald, himself a bastard of Sir William "the Ugly" Dong and the youngest of his illegitimate siblings had to resort to barbarians and the SCUM of Ireland to claim the country in the Northern lands which his brothers had left alone. This is the story of that sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, bald, sad little man soon to be known as King Ryan Dong "the Lion of the North"._

Episode 1: Year 1069, October 15th

Hello let me introduce myself I am Baer, the animal companion of Lady Katherine "the Lovely" Momo. I am what those would call a laffy-baer taffy. We have travelled here from the Byzantine Empire for the count of our realm has conducted a strategic wedding between my master and Lord Ryan Dong. _*cough* That is a lie, the dickhole just wanted to get rid of his youngest daughter before she messed up his gavelkin succession *cough*_. Anyway we have been here for a fortnight and Castle Dong is ablaze with activity in preparation for the wedding. While I wander around, startling many as a "ferocious animal", I see many a familiar character whom I have come to know over this past fortnight. In the morn I eavesdrop on Knight Robert, whom patrols the grounds on an alpaca, the silliest of all creatures, as he tells his fellow knights of his tumble he had this past night in the brothel with a beautiful red head.

"She was as soft as a virgin and her moans could have been heard around the block. She quivered with every moment of my hips. We climaxed at the same time and continued till we could hear the cock's song. The rooster, hehe." Sir Rob boasted as if this myth was the reality. In truth I have spied on his red headed beauty and himself as they... _What? Why would I watch them? I'm a kuma for Christ sake I just wanted to know if his stories were true. What's a Pedobaer? It doesn't matter just listen to the story._ In truth I have spied on Sir Rob and his unknown beauty in the brothel outside the castle and his tales, to my amusement, were fake. In truth he paid her for her "service" and she treated him like an unlaid child, with a face of fake amusement and inconstant moans, throwing him aside as soon as their transaction had completed. But as a kuma I cannot talk verbally to humans and therefore I cannot reveal the truth to his comrades. And although his lies provide me with amusement I cannot stand them for longer than an hour or so and depart to the kitchen.

When I arrive at the kitchen I walk over to my new accomplice, the one who feeds me all the good scraps of meat and vegetables, the chef Lady Doxy "the Naughty" Kunis. Because of my appearance and her ignorance of my superior knowledge, she most nearly slaughtered me on our first encounter. Although since then Lady Doxy has been the only chef to feed me in kitchen since hence for the first day she tried to kill and skin me for she believed I was an ingredient. She has since become my main source of luxury food because all the other chefs are fat old men whom keep the leftovers for themselves. And while she feeds me I play with her child, whom is only allowed in the kitchen for Lord Ryan allows him to gallivant around the castle. This is due to the lady being too poor to hire a nanny, because due to human ignorance of the importance of women all women of the castle get paid less than the males, only two silver dongers for a weeks service, while the men get paid a whole ten silver dongers, or one gold donger, for their service.

After I get fed and am curled up in the corner with Mikeal, Lady Doxy's first-born, for a bit of rest one on the idiot butlers drops a plate of burning hot soup on my mane. When I look up it is the squire, Uno "the Player" Nred-Salm, a foreigner like myself, who tends to my masters room and cleans up my "smelly discretions". While my skin and fur become drenched in potato soup I roar in pain and anger and slash out at Uno but he grabs my paw and flips me over his shoulder. Uno is one of the strongest men in the castle and he is the only man in the castle with the ability to fight me head on and survive. For that he is in charge of most of my daily care.

In the heat of the moment Doxy exclaims in horror "What are you doing to that poor creature Uno! Do you want to go on the chopping block? You know Lady Katherine is very fond of her companion."

Uno keeps me pinned to the floor as he replies with a cold glance "I am just keeping this beast in line. He will be fine" He slowly gets off me and I jump back on all fours and growl, my fangs baered. "I shall have Josh take him to the witch."

"You better squire or I shall report your indiscretions to Lady Katherine." Doxy spat back a fire in her eyes. She sits down and I realize she had a knife at the ready. "Now get that beast to Josh so he may take him to the forest." Uno grunted as he turned to face me and he grabbed the skin on my neck as he led, I mean dragged, me to the armory.

A few minutes later we had arrived. Uno looked around the room until he spotted whom he was looking for, Joshua Smith, the castles leading blacksmith and fighter. He is the greatest in the land when it came to steel whether wielding or welding and is known worlds away for his legendary work within his craft. Although in Castle Dong he is known as "the Scum" for reasons unbeknownst to me. There is also a rumor going around that there is a secret society which meets in the castle dungeons at night, by listening to the guards and townsfolk I have found that the rumor is actually quite complex. Apparently to enter the secret area you must first go UP the stairway of halted death and then DOWN a spike slide. After navigating through those areas you must go ALL AROUND the pillar of the original donger and if you perform a sequence of steps on certain secret pressure tiles the statue will move and you will be allowed sanctuary in JSmith Town, a secret society of degenerates and the homeless. But back to the man instead of the myth, Joshua was a scrawny man for a blacksmith, sizeable for any normal peasant but seemed too lean for his profession. And as a blacksmith he was always covered in soot giving him a dark complexion. Uno continued to drag me until we had reached the anvil upon which Josh was pounding a red piece of metal. Josh looked up and saw me and was bewildered, everyone in the castle knew his unnatural phobia of baers but he was the only one the witch of the forest would allow into her realm so he had to bring me. He picked up his sword and started stuttering "N-n-nnn-nno I am not taking him again. Last time was horrendous."

Uno looked him in the eye and said "Put that down and stop acting like such a scumbag. This thing is 'hurt' again and since the witch is the only physician it will allow to get close you must go." He dragged me towards the blacksmith and dropped me off in front of him. "And since the witch is smitten by you it shall be your burden."

Joshua looked at me then back at Uno, the scumbitch that he was he quickly backed down and agreed to the task at hand. An hour later, after walking all across the castle grounds and through the dark woods, we came upon the small log hut I had become familiar with. The witches hut, which resonated with a strange purple aura and the smell of brimstone in the air. Before Joshua even knocked on the door it flung wide open and the witch came out. "Oh Joshua, I knew you would come back to me my love. And I see you brought my favorite little patient as well." She walked by him slyly stroking his crotch as she walked past muttering "Well we can always have our fun later." The witch, also known as the Prescription Pixie by the townsfolk, was a kind lady, with voluptuous features in the back and front. She was blessed beautiful blue eyes and long, glittering, red hair, a trophy for any lord in Ireland but her interest in the dark arts kept her far from any civilized city or town. Today she was wearing what I could only describe as out of this world, she wore shiny black boots which went up to her knee, a short checkered skirt which revealed her undergarments, and a red shirt with strange circular objects holding it together which seemed too small for her figure. As I was admiring her body she came up to me looking into my eyes, staring into my soul. She suddenly stood up and said "I see what happened, let's go inside I have just the thing. And stop staring at my ass baer, I don't swing that way."

As we ventured inside the hut I saw an assortment of vials, plants and animal corpses around the hut. She walked over to the corner where a small wooden cabinet resided and pulled out a small wooden rod. She galivanted over towards me, broke the rod over my head and began to chant in a mystical language "ouy rae a sucm bga, ouy rae a sucm bga, ouy rae a sucm bga, OUY RAE A SUCM BGA!" until a strange cloud began to seep out of the broken edges of the rod and enveloped me, cleaning my body and healing any burns which had resulted from the kitchen fiasco. "There you go little guy." She said smiling while walking me out of her hut "You can find your way back, I know you're smart enough.

Josh began to protest as she closed the door behind me. As I walked away I heard moans from the hut behind me.

Before I returned to the castle I stopped at the local tavern "The Raised Donger's", and not to drink for alcohol is lethal to my kind, but to be entertained by listening to the town gossip. Mind you on the first day the drunkards who come to this bar were completely afraid and seemed disgusted by me but as soon as they realized I was a gentle creature the bar inhabitants warmed up to me. As I entered the bar I recognized a few faces although I had not really grown to know them at the time. There was Zachary Smith, the brother of Joshua, the town loner known for confessing to many a fair maiden only to be shut down. There was Knight Nick Lee, the battle commander of Ryan the Bald's army, known for his charming smile, and being one of the biggest drunkards in the realm. And surprisingly Prince Ohm the son of Ryan the Bald, commonly known as "the Home Wrecker", for the parties, banquets and orgies he holds always leave some room in the castle wrecked. However is well respected for his diplomacy and martial ability as well as being a MLT, a Major League Tournament-Combatant. Then there is the fairest maiden in the land, Lady Spyro "the Sheepish" Morris, the barmaid, well known for keeping her virginity despite being in her prime age and working in Castle Dong, known for being a sexual playground. I linger around for a little, learning much about the realm and its politics.

I return to my room, for it is nearly sundown, and lay in wait for my master to return. As the door creaks open I rush up and jump on an unsuspecting Katherine "Whoa boy! Calm down, let me get inside at least." As she gets undressed and changes into her bed gown she beckons me over, looks at me with loving eyes and says "You would not believe what sort of things I have encountered today around this splendid castle. I have finally met my fiancée and he is both handsome and funny, which I am glad after Catherine had to marry that angry looking Lord Ezekiel the Third. I really like it here. I am sorry I cannot bring you along with me though but there are so many stories I have to tell you." Her eyes sparkling she recanted tales of nice maids who gossip about monsters lurking about, a jewel thief who turned himself in, a soup that was too hot, and really intimate details of sexual interactions she had with her newly betrothed. All the while I lay there listening to her stories and once she was done she blew out the candle, gave me a kiss on the head and went to sleep. I stayed up a little longer but as I nodded off I swear I could hear the moans of love from all over the castle and Rob's little boy moan.


End file.
